Recently I came to understand precisely how fucked I am.
I have no faith.
This would be best understood by a third party if they were to perhaps imagine a 'crisis of faith' or a breif time in which they utterly ceased to believe in a truth, value, or solidarity almost spontaneously, usually because of a discouraging event but also commonly triggered by one's own discordant nature... but this crisis of faith that one may find to endure in their own lives, it is breif, and this is the gap of understanding, for my indisposition is seemingly perpetual. This 'crisis' is everlasting.

I find myself throwing out everything I've wanted from life into a list and finding that the ones missed are due to this.

I also see that the upcoming chances for harmony and accomplishment will also be doomed by this.

How the fuck can I possibly succeed in anything when I don't believe it means anything at all?
What in the world taught or inspired me to believe that I am worth less than everyone else?
Why would someone want to love me when in my fear of rejection I resort to making myself physically unavailable to them?
Where will I need to be in the world to endure true truths?
When could I achieve deliverance as such I feel deserving?

Smart secure people trust only themselves to reach the answers to these sort of questions.
Ignorant insecure people trust only others to guide them to similar conclusions.
I trust not myself nor anyone else to answer these questions, and yet for some reason I awake every morning wondering where the answer lies, dispite myself on every eve, mourning my own ignorance.