I feel much disgust for my ways at this current point in time. The way I reguard the women whom I'd opt to court is rediculous. My timing couldn't be any worse at all. How can I expect them to wait for me when I make no pledge at all? Why do I hesitate when the time is perfect? I act as though it needs to be safe to love someone. The sheer weakness of it all frightens me beyond belief. I am a coward when it comes to my own wishes.

And then I say to them that it's ok. I really want it to be OK. I don't want anyone to shirk from me or pity me even if they have caused me pain. The true source of the pain is me. I am dysfunctional. I tell myself that she deserves someone else because I believe that I am not better than anyone. I tell her that as long as she's happy then I am too.

I hang up the phone and I want to bleed acid. I want to breathe sand. I want to speak in tounges and seal all ears with my cry. I want to burn a library. I want to boil the ocean. I want to cast down samaritans. I become a chaotic zealot and I want to bend the world.

And yet when I had her, it was as if I knew it was a given. I enjoyed her basking unto me like the sun. There for day, and gone at night, always disappearing and reappearing while looking down, expecting to find her as I'd left her. Running laps around her physically and emotionally and presuming she'd tend to me like I was her pet.

And she hasn't broken my heart yet.
I'm that stubborn.
I will keep her picture with me and look at it whenever I am lonesome.
I will reject the next prospect of love and look to her frozen smile be it days or years from that moment.
I will hope against fate that she will return to me when she has no idea at all where I am.
I will see her in the future and only then will my heart be shattered.
The force of the blow will be incomprehensible.
Why do I do this?
Someone, please slap me.