I guess its been long enough.
I don't recall a time in which I decided I was in need of attention,
but I regret ever making this link public, friend. This page was originally, and continues, to be a personal record of my experiences; forum, bulletin board, your vehicle to insight or dirt, this is not the page.
Today was strange.
I looked to two sky 3 times tonight expecting to see a full moon to account for my day, full of detached conversations and erratic thoughts.
Nothing up there but only a waxing crescent.
My chest hurts, and I coughed up blood. Both the bad lung and the bad organ are hurting again. I'm taking a break from the smokes and the pills. I should probably even lay off the coffee.
It took nearly a decade but I guess I'll finally start doing exactly what the doctors said, after all, I want to live now. Gone are the days of fighting off tomorrow and since, gone are the days spent trying to drag in yesterday. It's only fitting that I continue to trip over myself. I have always been my own worst enemy. They've all tried, so it's gotta be my fault. But like I said, I'm going to be a good boy now until the pain goes away because I want to live... If the pain doesnt go away... well... I suppose I'll have to not only get back on track but accelerate my progress on the path to oblivion, and also do alot of dramatic stuff like crying and hitting people and saying 'i love you.'
Not that I wont do this stuff if the pain goes away, merely that I wont have to condense a lifetime worth of loving, dreaming, friends and enemies into a finite amount of time. Plus I'm real keen on putting the important stuff off.
That is, will be, and continues to be my cross to bear, my primary flaw and my biggest and probably only reason to thorougly hate myself. I can no longer recall the myraid times I've done something dangerous or reckless or just insensitave because I hesitated when it was important and wont allow myself to forget it.
I nearly beat a guy to death over someone elses lies.
I lost the best friend I ever had...
although we got back on track after thorough sulking and were close enough to the point we were at to be comfortable, or so I feel.
And of course I can't forget the FIVE
(thats exactly one hand.... or fist)
the 5 women whom I had feelings for and decided that the best thing to do with these feelings was wait. either I waited too long and got frustrated and fucked it up, or I denied myself the pleasure because I wasnt good enough, after that I thought SHE wasnt good enough, the time after that.... christ... lets just say I left without saying anything, Anything important, that is. Just, like... uh, I gotta go, yeah I bet youll miss me, bye. Here's some crap to remember me by because youre not special and only interested in material objects and not me because that's what we both want.
You're a fucking moron, you know that? The only thing you and Dan can both agree on is that it's a miraculous mystery how you are still alive at this point.
In retrospect, I'm surprised it took a whole decade of drug binging before I got slapped in the face by fate. The fact that my heart still contains blood is a mystery to me, but the pain has gotten noticably worse, since I started typing this shit and getting frustrated with myself.
I can only hope that if I die in this shameful pathetic unkempt and unfulfilled state, that nobody who matters will ever find out, and those that do will forgive me for all the pain and bullshit, and that little lie I told everyone about tomorrow.
