I hesitate when something needs to be done, or when I should follow my heart. I exhibit haste when I should be patient, because I just got tired of hesitating. I've gone and fucked it all up again, and there is absolutely no going back. I have cried twice in the past week, and four times in the past 6 years. Every time I get my ego up to par to what I believe I'll need, elevated enough to prepare a good supply of hope for the future, I go and flush it all away. I told her things would be different. I told her I that I've learned to love myself. That I didn't tell her you always hurt the ones you love is a given. That I feel wretched once more is surprising. I cannot see the future, but I know enough to give me hope for us. I can read her and respond with zeal. I can hold her and shudder away all else. I can make her laugh and empower her. I love her, and will continue to do so, I fear, with little or no reguard to distance, time, or even her favor to return it.